Brave Briton Battles Voluminous Vespidae Villa

If I ever meet British pest controller Sean Whelan, I am going to buy the man a couple rounds of whatever adult beverage he chooses, because in my opinion, this guy is one of the bravest punters around. Why? Because he took on this, and lived!

That, my friends, is a wasp nest. Not just any wasp nest. But the BIGGEST one ever found in all of the Queen's England! The bloody thing measured six FEET by five FEET and was the humble abode of over half a million wasps. (At this point, the writer nearly faints from the prospect).

What is even better, was pest controller Whelan (at this point I shall call him the Right Honorable Protector of the Public Sean Whelan, Special Wasp Squad) had already taken out seven other nests in the attic of a Southhampton pub, before he realized what the last one was, simply because it was so utterly, terrifying ginormous.

The local Smart People in Lab Coats (scientists/experts/people who wear lab coats for fun and profit) say it got so big because of the mild spring and relatively dry weather. I for one am with Corporal Hicks on this one when I say, pub or not, I say we take off, and nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.

Rain? In Southern California? IN JULY!?!

EVERYBODY PANIC!!!!1!!

This just in... gravity driven water has begun falling from the sky over Southern California. This has been confirmed in eyewitness accounts by yours truly. This reporter braved the damp tempest to venture outside on a rather mild, 74 degree afternoon to witness for himself that yes, it was indeed rain falling.

The good news is the rainfall lasted only a few minutes. There is widespread devastation to report, as nearly everyone's car received only enough rain to mess up the lovely car wash they purchased only this morning. And it appears that there have been no sightings of a double rainbow anywhere in the blue gray skies over the Southland. Should one be sighted, please do not panic, as we do not know what it means, either.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled bits of goofing off on the intertubes, already in progress.

A Spokesbot for the Fleet of Triangular Space Ships Could Not be Reached for Comment

Will someone please explain to me why exactly THIS happened?!? I mean, come on! We have a fleet of triangular space ships to protect us from these things for a reason! Right?


Personally, I think we would be much safer if we just left Ben Affleck in space to protect us from these things. What's that you say? It should be Bruce Willis? Um, hello? You can't send Bruce Willis! He has to protect us from a giant planet-killing planet thing in, oh, about another 253 years. Sheesh.

Holy $#@&!!!

A spokesperson for seagulls could not confirm whether or not Flappers was ok after totally destroying the Google Street View camera.

Via this really big link.

Twilight Fan Reacts to Eclipse Trailer (NSFEars)

Wow. That is all I can say. Just, wow. That and a word of caution. There are in fact breeds of dogs who will freak the heck out if you play this too loudly near them. Also, I will not be held responsible for any hearing loss you yourself sustain from watching this.

DO NOT WANT!!!

Why, do the smart guys insist on teach things to bees? And why hasn't Hollywood decided to remake movies that play on our irrational apiphobia? I mean, really, we are long overdue for a robotic bee apocalypse film, but I digress.

So, they have now trained bees to recognize human faces. (pausing for effect) Yes, my thoughts exactly. We are now very close to having little apidae assassins, trained to know exactly who to sting to death!

Oh thanks Jumbo. You can just rock me tae sleep tonight.

A Tornado Warning is Up for So Cal - NOW you can panic!

(((Pretend you hear the Emergency Broadcast System sound effect)))

In the words of Mike The Cool Person, this is actually very serious! The National Weather Service has issued a Tornado Warning for a good chunk of The OC and South LA County. A Warning is different than a Watch, because a Watch means a tornado could possibly happen. A Warning means a spinning cloud of destruction "has been seen or picked up by radar." Someone get Helen Hunt on the phone!


The best part is the Warning says the best place to be in a tornado is in the basement. Uh, ok, last time I checked Sparky, no one in So Cal has a freaking basement! They tend to fill with debris during those shaky things we get here.

All joking aside and as a service to my massive readership, at least one of you is in the area affected. Plan accordingly.

(((UPDATED)))

Um, yeah, ok, so no joking, apparently they are urging people to get off the beaches (what the hell is wrong with you people who are there!?!) and Newport Beach is getting 72 mile per hour wind gusts. In the words of Philip Seymour Hoffman, "it's the wonder of nature, baby!"
(guitar solo at 1:52 by Ritchie Blackmore of Deep Purple, "Child in Time" because I know that is exactly what you were needing to know right about now.)

(((UPDATED again)))

A car was flipped, windows smashed, and a chunk of roof taken off by "probably" a tornado says the National Weather Service!?! Oh good, well, at least it wasn't a Cloverfield attack. Sheesh.

Now We Know What Really Killed the Dinosaurs

There has been much speculation over the years as to what caused the mass extinction of the dinosaurs. Everything from a ginormous meteor impact to a sudden drop in their food supply, to some dude running around and picking them off with high tech weapons.

However, the truth is apparently vastly more sinister, and frankly cooler, as shown in this photograph snapped on the streets of Los Angeles this very morning by @TheAnimeGoddess.


As reported by the ever-vigilant and eagle-eyed purveyor of all things gamey, geeky and google-eyed, it is obvious from this modern cave person drawing (on the street in front of the La Brea Tar Pits no less) that giant robots killed the dinosaurs. Don't you feel better now? Wait, but if the giant robots killed the dinosaurs, what killed the giant robots? Never mind. Everybody panic!

Kangaroo Tries to Drown Man - Rolf Harris Unvailable for Comment

Forget about a zombie apocalypse or robots taking over. What you really need to fear is the killer kangaroo! While I've never been to Australia, I'm rethinking ever wanting to go there. Besides the ginormous great white sharks, bird eating spiders and roving gangs of leather-clad dudes driving cars with no body panels, now there are murderous kangaroos afoot!

This is Chris Rickard. He got pwned by a kangaroo while trying to save his dog from a dam. Not only did Rickard get the holy tar kicked out of him by the startled roo, the presumably cute marsupial tried to drown him by holding him underwater!

Apparently the old Australian stockman of whom this song speaks meant it when he said to tie his kangaroo down, sport!

We are one step closer to being ruled by robo-cats!

Dear Smart Guys, you built a computer (and a freaking monster one at that!) for the sole purpose of simulating the brain of a cat? Yes, yes, I know its all in the name of science, but a cat? You realize that cats are vastly smarter than you give them credit for right? They are only a prehensile tail or opposable thumbs away from claiming their rule over humanity. Heck, it was you smarties who figured out that cats control humans already! As someone who is routinely awoke at inappropriate hours so that She Who Must Be Obeyed When She Wants Noms can eat, I think you have gone about this the wrong way. Why not build a computer dog brain? That way when the AI gains sentience it only wants to play and lick your face! So, I am going to be the first to turn my back on the humanz and sign up to have whisker and tail implants for the impending Catbotpocalypse.

(In case you can't read binary, the lol-puter above is saying "I can has cheezburger?")

Asteroid whizzes past Earth at a distance of ZOMG!

Oh doesn't this just make you feel all warm and cuddly. The other day, an asteroid came within 8,700 miles of Earth. 8,700 miles people! The moon is a quarter million miles away. That, in horse shoes and hand grenade terms, is close. The best part? The Smart Guys didn't even know about this particular chunk of space rock, till 15 hours before it was on top of us. Yes, yes, I know. Asteroids fly by us all the time. And this one was actually fairly small and would have gone poof in the atmosphere. But still, seeing the graphic from NASA reminds me a little too much of the time the Bugs dropped one on Buenos Aires. Would you like to know more?

Avian Airforce Bread Bombs Large Hadron Collider - Quote from the scene: "Dough!"

Ok, so the giant machine with the giggle inducing name is offline again. Yeah, yeah, it would be news if it wasn't. This time, it was caused by a bird. No, really. A bird apparently dropped some bread onto a piece of equipment on the exterior of the ridiculously large science experiment, causing it to shut down. So, should we feel better or panic that some wayward wheat toast can make this thing shut down so easily? I'm still on the fence about it. Now if it were a coconut that fell on it, I would definitely be concerned, because everyone knows that European Swallows aren't migratory.

Getting to the bottom of the 2012 nonsense

I have been avoiding writing about this topic, simply because of the egregious amount of bat-guano crazy it brings out. The good news is, one of the most trusted news sources on the tubes, Cracked Magazine, has put together what I consider to be the ultimate treatise on the subject and the REAL reasons we should be freaked out about 2012. It can be summed up in two words: Space Bear. I highly encourage you to read it, learn it, love it, retweet it, buy it flowers, take it out for a nice night on the town, and then, tell any lunatics you know they should read it too. And frankly, the only person whom I would believe the end of the world is coming is this guy.

GIANT BIRDS STALKING NEWS READERS!

Australia has giant spiders and giant sharks, but nothing comes close to the giant seagulls!

I've always wanted a hurricane named after me

Well actually, I still think storms should be named after women (call me old-school that way), but, since this is the first major hurricane named after me, I'll take it, especially since its an ass-kicking Category 5!

(AP Photo/NOAA)

Fortunately, this bad boy will likely decrease in strength to a Category 2 before it makes landfall, which is good. Growing up in a hurricane zone, I used to track these things with my dad, back before the internet made early warning a breeze. Here's hoping any one in my, err, its path is prepping for it.

Coming Soon to a Wannabe Vampire Near You...

I saw this sign at a Hot Topic on Saturday and will just let it speak for itself.

No. You do not want to look like Edward Cullen. Period. Just stop. Seriously. K thx!

C'thulhu's boogers are taking over the oceans! Everybody panic!

There really isn't much you can say about this except: barf, retch, gross, puke, hurl, I'm never going in the ocean again or "Oh look mommy! It's a great massive snot reef!"


Please take a moment and cast your eyes on what is a naturally occurring and utterly disgusting phenomenon that is apparently getting worse.

And if you think I'm over reacting, these things are now known to carry E. Coli! And while Ocean Born Mucilage might be a great name for a song by Cannibal Corpse, I wouldn't want to swim in it!

These things get to be over 100 miles long. A one hundred mile long loogie!?! That is just RONG! I don't care if these things occur naturally (and have been since the early 1700's at least), they are utterly and completely nasty! Quick, someone dump a megaton of Guaifenesin into the ocean, stat!

Robotic Bees!?! Worst, idea, EVER!

I can't say this any clearer other than DO NOT WANT! I hate bees. Period. And not even cute, animated bees either. Anything that flies and stings you is not my friend. So when I read this opening line of a news item this morning imagine how I felt:

"Harvard researchers recently got a $10 million grant to create a colony of flying robotic bees." Ok, did no one ever watch bad nature-run-amok movies in the 70's where bees killed everyone? So, combine that with a SkyNet scenario and you have, yep, you guessed it; an awesome idea for a movie!

Really though, I am just saying most of this in jest, and yes I did read to the end of the article where they say the bees won't have stingers, but still, when you read that scientists "will create robotic bees that fly autonomously and coordinate activities amongst themselves and the hive, much like real bees" doesn't that just sound like the opposite of a good idea? The operative word there being "autonomously". So, we are just going to create robotic buzzy bumbles and let them do their thing? Cool. I for one do not welcome our future buzzing robotic overlords, even though the science on these looks pretty amazing.

*Disclaimer: This blog is meant as a bit of fun. If you didn't take it as such, please go have your Sense of Humor adjusted. The author is not some looney who thinks all robots are out to destroy us. He is however deathly afraid of bees and would gladly take off and nuke the hive from orbit, just to be sure. Props to @Murphix for giving me the beebee jeebees by sending me the original article.

Why is today's Google Doodle freaking me out?

True story. I logged on to Google this morning and felt a very oddly disquieting feeling when I did (yes, I am sure you have a joke to insert here) but I didn't really think much of it. Then I went back to Google a little later and had it again. Ok, now this is really strange. Then I saw this tweet from @deadprogram, which explained it perfectly:

"For some reason, the Google barcode logo frightens me. Maybe it was the barcode tattoos from Terminator?"

And that's it! Today's newest Google Doodle is just a barcode but its simplicity over the sparse negative space of the all-white background was off putting. (shudder) Guess I will have to go and Ask Jeeves today. ; )

(Thanks to Ron @deadprogram Evans for the inspiration!)

Supermassive Black Holes May Destroy the Universe - Dr. Reinhardt Unavailable for Comment

Well the headline pretty much sums it up. Some Smart Guys crunched some really freaking large numbers to calculate "total entropy of everything in the universe" and say supermassive black holes (those things that look cool in Disney movies, but can't be actually seen) are the main factors for so much entropy in the universe. And here I thought it was all Autontune's fault.

So the smart guys say there are 10¹⁰⁴ units of entropy out there in the great void. Sweet. Now can we like bottle it as a heat source? You think I'm kidding, because these scientists say if the universe ever hits maximum levels of entropy it means heat death for everything. In the word's of Neil the Hippy, "Wow! Heavy!".

And apparently its these supermassive black holes (also a good song by Muse) that are to blame. Because when they eventually burn out, they will release lots of entropy that can lead to the previously mentioned heat death. Are you still with me? Ok, so should we panic? Nah. Because it takes 10¹⁰² years for one of these gravity monsters to burn out. How long is that? Well I think its around the time we will actually get to play Duke Nukem Forever. The bigger issue is: If these people can figure this stuff out, where the hell is my flying car and jetpack!?!