Kangaroo Tries to Drown Man - Rolf Harris Unvailable for Comment

Forget about a zombie apocalypse or robots taking over. What you really need to fear is the killer kangaroo! While I've never been to Australia, I'm rethinking ever wanting to go there. Besides the ginormous great white sharks, bird eating spiders and roving gangs of leather-clad dudes driving cars with no body panels, now there are murderous kangaroos afoot!

This is Chris Rickard. He got pwned by a kangaroo while trying to save his dog from a dam. Not only did Rickard get the holy tar kicked out of him by the startled roo, the presumably cute marsupial tried to drown him by holding him underwater!

Apparently the old Australian stockman of whom this song speaks meant it when he said to tie his kangaroo down, sport!

We are one step closer to being ruled by robo-cats!

Dear Smart Guys, you built a computer (and a freaking monster one at that!) for the sole purpose of simulating the brain of a cat? Yes, yes, I know its all in the name of science, but a cat? You realize that cats are vastly smarter than you give them credit for right? They are only a prehensile tail or opposable thumbs away from claiming their rule over humanity. Heck, it was you smarties who figured out that cats control humans already! As someone who is routinely awoke at inappropriate hours so that She Who Must Be Obeyed When She Wants Noms can eat, I think you have gone about this the wrong way. Why not build a computer dog brain? That way when the AI gains sentience it only wants to play and lick your face! So, I am going to be the first to turn my back on the humanz and sign up to have whisker and tail implants for the impending Catbotpocalypse.

(In case you can't read binary, the lol-puter above is saying "I can has cheezburger?")

Asteroid whizzes past Earth at a distance of ZOMG!

Oh doesn't this just make you feel all warm and cuddly. The other day, an asteroid came within 8,700 miles of Earth. 8,700 miles people! The moon is a quarter million miles away. That, in horse shoes and hand grenade terms, is close. The best part? The Smart Guys didn't even know about this particular chunk of space rock, till 15 hours before it was on top of us. Yes, yes, I know. Asteroids fly by us all the time. And this one was actually fairly small and would have gone poof in the atmosphere. But still, seeing the graphic from NASA reminds me a little too much of the time the Bugs dropped one on Buenos Aires. Would you like to know more?

Avian Airforce Bread Bombs Large Hadron Collider - Quote from the scene: "Dough!"

Ok, so the giant machine with the giggle inducing name is offline again. Yeah, yeah, it would be news if it wasn't. This time, it was caused by a bird. No, really. A bird apparently dropped some bread onto a piece of equipment on the exterior of the ridiculously large science experiment, causing it to shut down. So, should we feel better or panic that some wayward wheat toast can make this thing shut down so easily? I'm still on the fence about it. Now if it were a coconut that fell on it, I would definitely be concerned, because everyone knows that European Swallows aren't migratory.

Getting to the bottom of the 2012 nonsense

I have been avoiding writing about this topic, simply because of the egregious amount of bat-guano crazy it brings out. The good news is, one of the most trusted news sources on the tubes, Cracked Magazine, has put together what I consider to be the ultimate treatise on the subject and the REAL reasons we should be freaked out about 2012. It can be summed up in two words: Space Bear. I highly encourage you to read it, learn it, love it, retweet it, buy it flowers, take it out for a nice night on the town, and then, tell any lunatics you know they should read it too. And frankly, the only person whom I would believe the end of the world is coming is this guy.