Sunday, August 8, 2010

Brave Briton Battles Voluminous Vespidae Villa

If I ever meet British pest controller Sean Whelan, I am going to buy the man a couple rounds of whatever adult beverage he chooses, because in my opinion, this guy is one of the bravest punters around. Why? Because he took on this, and lived!

That, my friends, is a wasp nest. Not just any wasp nest. But the BIGGEST one ever found in all of the Queen's England! The bloody thing measured six FEET by five FEET and was the humble abode of over half a million wasps. (At this point, the writer nearly faints from the prospect).

What is even better, was pest controller Whelan (at this point I shall call him the Right Honorable Protector of the Public Sean Whelan, Special Wasp Squad) had already taken out seven other nests in the attic of a Southhampton pub, before he realized what the last one was, simply because it was so utterly, terrifying ginormous.

The local Smart People in Lab Coats (scientists/experts/people who wear lab coats for fun and profit) say it got so big because of the mild spring and relatively dry weather. I for one am with Corporal Hicks on this one when I say, pub or not, I say we take off, and nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Rain? In Southern California? IN JULY!?!


This just in... gravity driven water has begun falling from the sky over Southern California. This has been confirmed in eyewitness accounts by yours truly. This reporter braved the damp tempest to venture outside on a rather mild, 74 degree afternoon to witness for himself that yes, it was indeed rain falling.

The good news is the rainfall lasted only a few minutes. There is widespread devastation to report, as nearly everyone's car received only enough rain to mess up the lovely car wash they purchased only this morning. And it appears that there have been no sightings of a double rainbow anywhere in the blue gray skies over the Southland. Should one be sighted, please do not panic, as we do not know what it means, either.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled bits of goofing off on the intertubes, already in progress.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

A Spokesbot for the Fleet of Triangular Space Ships Could Not be Reached for Comment

Will someone please explain to me why exactly THIS happened?!? I mean, come on! We have a fleet of triangular space ships to protect us from these things for a reason! Right?

Personally, I think we would be much safer if we just left Ben Affleck in space to protect us from these things. What's that you say? It should be Bruce Willis? Um, hello? You can't send Bruce Willis! He has to protect us from a giant planet-killing planet thing in, oh, about another 253 years. Sheesh.

Thursday, March 18, 2010

Holy $#@&!!!

A spokesperson for seagulls could not confirm whether or not Flappers was ok after totally destroying the Google Street View camera.

Via this really big link.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Twilight Fan Reacts to Eclipse Trailer (NSFEars)

Wow. That is all I can say. Just, wow. That and a word of caution. There are in fact breeds of dogs who will freak the heck out if you play this too loudly near them. Also, I will not be held responsible for any hearing loss you yourself sustain from watching this.

Friday, January 29, 2010


Why, do the smart guys insist on teach things to bees? And why hasn't Hollywood decided to remake movies that play on our irrational apiphobia? I mean, really, we are long overdue for a robotic bee apocalypse film, but I digress.

So, they have now trained bees to recognize human faces. (pausing for effect) Yes, my thoughts exactly. We are now very close to having little apidae assassins, trained to know exactly who to sting to death!

Oh thanks Jumbo. You can just rock me tae sleep tonight.

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

A Tornado Warning is Up for So Cal - NOW you can panic!

(((Pretend you hear the Emergency Broadcast System sound effect)))

In the words of Mike The Cool Person, this is actually very serious! The National Weather Service has issued a Tornado Warning for a good chunk of The OC and South LA County. A Warning is different than a Watch, because a Watch means a tornado could possibly happen. A Warning means a spinning cloud of destruction "has been seen or picked up by radar." Someone get Helen Hunt on the phone!

The best part is the Warning says the best place to be in a tornado is in the basement. Uh, ok, last time I checked Sparky, no one in So Cal has a freaking basement! They tend to fill with debris during those shaky things we get here.

All joking aside and as a service to my massive readership, at least one of you is in the area affected. Plan accordingly.


Um, yeah, ok, so no joking, apparently they are urging people to get off the beaches (what the hell is wrong with you people who are there!?!) and Newport Beach is getting 72 mile per hour wind gusts. In the words of Philip Seymour Hoffman, "it's the wonder of nature, baby!"
(guitar solo at 1:52 by Ritchie Blackmore of Deep Purple, "Child in Time" because I know that is exactly what you were needing to know right about now.)

(((UPDATED again)))

A car was flipped, windows smashed, and a chunk of roof taken off by "probably" a tornado says the National Weather Service!?! Oh good, well, at least it wasn't a Cloverfield attack. Sheesh.