Hypersonic Screaming Teenage Girls: The Second Wave of Twilight Multimedia Mass Hysteria is Upon Us

OMGOMGOMG Twilight! Robert!/Edward! Bite me please Edward! swoon!

Remember those kinds of psychotic reactions of fan-girls and their moms around the country last year when the hype-machine for "Twilight" kicked into overdrive? Well, buy some 35db earplugs and stay away from any mall with a Hot Topic, because the "Eclipse" movie is imminent and with it comes the Scene It? Twilight Edition game for the Nintendo Wii.

(Pause) Can you just imagine what a Scene It? Twilight game night would look like? I will do my best to describe it:

The scene: Any suburban house where an Edward-obsessed teen girl and her equally Edward-obsessed mom are having a night of fun with some friends while playing this game. The first shot of Sparkle Boy comes on screen (insert a chorus of screams that border on the range of which only dogs can hear in) and a fight breaks out over who buzzed in first. Hair is pulled. A Wiimote gets thrown. A lovely plasma TV has said-Wiimote buried in its display (Oh the humanity!) and the evening ends in a cat-fight the likes of which could never be filmed, even in a Russ Meyer movie, with both sides screaming "Team Edward!" "No! Team Jacob!". (Fade to black)

So, if you are a sibling/offspring of/in a relationship with a Twilight fanatic, be ready to endure more of this for the next few months. Of course you could always head over to the full on awesome of the Jinx website and buy this:

(And no, I got zero kick back from Jinx for this plug and yes, I bought one of these!)

Nooooo, my Precioussss... Gollum Found Dead on Beach!

Frodo Baggins and Sam Gamgee unavailable for comment

OMG! What is that, thing!?! I tell you what it looks like, is everyone's favorite corrupt Hobbit, Smeagol, better known as Gollum! Whatever it is, it allegedly came out of a cave on a beach in Panama and freaked the hell out of a group of teenagers who saw it. The "news" report says the kids threw rocks at the thing and tossed the body in the ocean. It wasn't until adults came back and found the bizarre corpse washed up on the shore that we get these pictures. Now, to be fair, let's consider the source, and the fact that for some reason, every time some creature that everyone freaks out about washes up on a beach somewhere, the corpse somehow vanishes. The original article doesn't say what happened to this one, but in my opinion, if you have a ring of power lying about anywhere, keep it secret, keep it safe.

PAX Swine Flu Outbreak Update: 100 confirmed cases of Hamthrax

Um, well, ok, this is, how would you say? Zomgwtfbbq! Everybody panic! Run to the hills! Get a surgical mask! So the people at PAX have come out and said there are 100 confirmed cases of swine flu amongst its attendees. As someone who has contracted what was heretofore only colloquially known as "Nerd Flu" (now lovingly being glossed with the epithet "H1Nerd1" virus) I can honestly say that being in close quarters with thousands of people at a convention, makes it exceedingly easy to catch something airborne.

That said, it will be interesting to see where this goes and how many people will end up getting sick or distributing the piggy sniffles to others. Granted Swine Flu could be much worse than it has been so far, it is still nothing to sneeze at (hey-oh!). I will say that I believe the fashion trend for the rapidly approaching Tokyo Game Show is going trend into the area of geek-tastic and fashionable surgical masks, something which could even spill over into next year's E3. So, unless the minority of convention goer's who insist on going when they are ill don't change their mouth-breathing tendencies, your booth babes may start looking like this.


Hey wait, not too shabby actually!

Man, I give this whole thing a sphincter-factor of about 9.5!

Hurricane Fred spins up in the Atlantic!

Ok people, this is very serious! Hurricane Fred is out in the middle of the Atlantic, and you know what that means. No, it doesn't mean make fried pineapple rings (though that sounds really good). It means aliens who use water-based technology are about to surface and/or send mile high waves to destroy us. Oh come on! Haven't you ever seen "The Abyss"!?! According to the brilliant and very underrated performance by Jimmie Ray Weeks as Leland McBride: "Well it's official sportsfans. They're calling it Hurricane Frederick and its going to be making our lives real interesting in a few hours." And wouldn't you know it, just a few pages of script and film reels later and what do you know, there's waves that no self-respecting practioner of the endless summer would ever dream of riding. So, if you know anyone on an oil platform in the Atlantic, ask them to tweet you if they see any Russian Water Tentacles. Kthx!

Hamthrax @ Pax! - Gabe & Tycho unavailable for comment

Everybody who went to PAX panic! Ok, maybe that's too alarmist. How about, my friend went to PAX and all I got was lousy swine flu? Seriously though, it has been confirmed by doctors that there was someone at PAX who had swine flu. There are lots of jokes made about video game conventions giving attendees what is colloquially termed as "Nerd Flu" but this isn't funny. Swine flu is nothing to laugh about, so if you were there or have been in contact with someone who has, and you don't feel well, you might want to call your doc and let them know.