EVERYBODY PANIC!

Brave Briton Battles Voluminous Vespidae Villa

2010-08-08T17:33:00.000-07:00

If I ever meet British pest controller Sean Whelan, I am going to buy the man a couple rounds of whatever adult beverage he chooses, because in my opinion, this guy is one of the bravest punters around. Why? Because he took on this, and lived!

That, my friends, is a wasp nest. Not just any wasp nest. But the BIGGEST one ever found in all of the Queen's England! The bloody thing measured six FEET by five FEET and was the humble abode of over half a million wasps. (At this point, the writer nearly faints from the prospect).

What is even better, was pest controller Whelan (at this point I shall call him the Right Honorable Protector of the Public Sean Whelan, Special Wasp Squad) had already taken out seven other nests in the attic of a Southhampton pub, before he realized what the last one was, simply because it was so utterly, terrifying ginormous.

The local Smart People in Lab Coats (scientists/experts/people who wear lab coats for fun and profit) say it got so big because of the mild spring and relatively dry weather. I for one am with Corporal Hicks on this one when I say, pub or not, I say we take off, and nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure.

Rain? In Southern California? IN JULY!?!

2010-07-10T18:25:00.000-07:00

EVERYBODY PANIC!!!!1!!

This just in... gravity driven water has begun falling from the sky over Southern California. This has been confirmed in eyewitness accounts by yours truly. This reporter braved the damp tempest to venture outside on a rather mild, 74 degree afternoon to witness for himself that yes, it was indeed rain falling.

The good news is the rainfall lasted only a few minutes. There is widespread devastation to report, as nearly everyone's car received only enough rain to mess up the lovely car wash they purchased only this morning. And it appears that there have been no sightings of a double rainbow anywhere in the blue gray skies over the Southland. Should one be sighted, please do not panic, as we do not know what it means, either.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled bits of goofing off on the intertubes, already in progress.

A Spokesbot for the Fleet of Triangular Space Ships Could Not be Reached for Comment

2010-04-15T13:25:00.000-07:00

Will someone please explain to me why exactly THIS happened?!? I mean, come on! We have a fleet of triangular space ships to protect us from these things for a reason! Right?

Personally, I think we would be much safer if we just left Ben Affleck in space to protect us from these things. What's that you say? It should be Bruce Willis? Um, hello? You can't send Bruce Willis! He has to protect us from a giant planet-killing planet thing in, oh, about another 253 years. Sheesh.

Holy $#@&!!!

2010-03-18T13:08:00.001-07:00

A spokesperson for seagulls could not confirm whether or not Flappers was ok after totally destroying the Google Street View camera.

Via this really big link.

Twilight Fan Reacts to Eclipse Trailer (NSFEars)

2010-03-12T10:32:00.001-08:00

Wow. That is all I can say. Just, wow. That and a word of caution. There are in fact breeds of dogs who will freak the heck out if you play this too loudly near them. Also, I will not be held responsible for any hearing loss you yourself sustain from watching this.

DO NOT WANT!!!

2010-01-29T16:50:00.000-08:00

Why, do the smart guys insist on teach things to bees? And why hasn't Hollywood decided to remake movies that play on our irrational apiphobia? I mean, really, we are long overdue for a robotic bee apocalypse film, but I digress.

So, they have now trained bees to recognize human faces. (pausing for effect) Yes, my thoughts exactly. We are now very close to having little apidae assassins, trained to know exactly who to sting to death!

Oh thanks Jumbo. You can just rock me tae sleep tonight.

A Tornado Warning is Up for So Cal - NOW you can panic!

2010-01-19T12:56:00.000-08:00

(((Pretend you hear the Emergency Broadcast System sound effect)))

In the words of Mike The Cool Person, this is actually very serious! The National Weather Service has issued a Tornado Warning for a good chunk of The OC and South LA County. A Warning is different than a Watch, because a Watch means a tornado could possibly happen. A Warning means a spinning cloud of destruction "has been seen or picked up by radar." Someone get Helen Hunt on the phone!

The best part is the Warning says the best place to be in a tornado is in the basement. Uh, ok, last time I checked Sparky, no one in So Cal has a freaking basement! They tend to fill with debris during those shaky things we get here.

All joking aside and as a service to my massive readership, at least one of you is in the area affected. Plan accordingly.

(((UPDATED)))

Um, yeah, ok, so no joking, apparently they are urging people to get off the beaches (what the hell is wrong with you people who are there!?!) and Newport Beach is getting 72 mile per hour wind gusts. In the words of Philip Seymour Hoffman, "it's the wonder of nature, baby!"
(guitar solo at 1:52 by Ritchie Blackmore of Deep Purple, "Child in Time" because I know that is exactly what you were needing to know right about now.)

(((UPDATED again)))

A car was flipped, windows smashed, and a chunk of roof taken off by "probably" a tornado says the National Weather Service!?! Oh good, well, at least it wasn't a Cloverfield attack. Sheesh.

Now We Know What Really Killed the Dinosaurs

2009-12-14T12:02:00.000-08:00

There has been much speculation over the years as to what caused the mass extinction of the dinosaurs. Everything from a ginormous meteor impact to a sudden drop in their food supply, to some dude running around and picking them off with high tech weapons.

However, the truth is apparently vastly more sinister, and frankly cooler, as shown in this photograph snapped on the streets of Los Angeles this very morning by @TheAnimeGoddess.

As reported by the ever-vigilant and eagle-eyed purveyor of all things gamey, geeky and google-eyed, it is obvious from this modern cave person drawing (on the street in front of the La Brea Tar Pits no less) that giant robots killed the dinosaurs. Don't you feel better now? Wait, but if the giant robots killed the dinosaurs, what killed the giant robots? Never mind. Everybody panic!

Kangaroo Tries to Drown Man - Rolf Harris Unvailable for Comment

2009-11-24T11:02:00.000-08:00

Forget about a zombie apocalypse or robots taking over. What you really need to fear is the killer kangaroo! While I've never been to Australia, I'm rethinking ever wanting to go there. Besides the ginormous great white sharks, bird eating spiders and roving gangs of leather-clad dudes driving cars with no body panels, now there are murderous kangaroos afoot!

This is Chris Rickard. He got pwned by a kangaroo while trying to save his dog from a dam. Not only did Rickard get the holy tar kicked out of him by the startled roo, the presumably cute marsupial tried to drown him by holding him underwater!

Apparently the old Australian stockman of whom this song speaks meant it when he said to tie his kangaroo down, sport!

We are one step closer to being ruled by robo-cats!

2009-11-18T13:56:00.000-08:00

Dear Smart Guys, you built a computer (and a freaking monster one at that!) for the sole purpose of simulating the brain of a cat? Yes, yes, I know its all in the name of science, but a cat? You realize that cats are vastly smarter than you give them credit for right? They are only a prehensile tail or opposable thumbs away from claiming their rule over humanity. Heck, it was you smarties who figured out that cats control humans already! As someone who is routinely awoke at inappropriate hours so that She Who Must Be Obeyed When She Wants Noms can eat, I think you have gone about this the wrong way. Why not build a computer dog brain? That way when the AI gains sentience it only wants to play and lick your face! So, I am going to be the first to turn my back on the humanz and sign up to have whisker and tail implants for the impending Catbotpocalypse.

(In case you can't read binary, the lol-puter above is saying "I can has cheezburger?")

Asteroid whizzes past Earth at a distance of ZOMG!

2009-11-10T16:36:00.000-08:00

Oh doesn't this just make you feel all warm and cuddly. The other day, an asteroid came within 8,700 miles of Earth. 8,700 miles people! The moon is a quarter million miles away. That, in horse shoes and hand grenade terms, is close. The best part? The Smart Guys didn't even know about this particular chunk of space rock, till 15 hours before it was on top of us. Yes, yes, I know. Asteroids fly by us all the time. And this one was actually fairly small and would have gone poof in the atmosphere. But still, seeing the graphic from NASA reminds me a little too much of the time the Bugs dropped one on Buenos Aires. Would you like to know more?

Avian Airforce Bread Bombs Large Hadron Collider - Quote from the scene: "Dough!"

2009-11-06T16:08:00.000-08:00

Ok, so the giant machine with the giggle inducing name is offline again. Yeah, yeah, it would be news if it wasn't. This time, it was caused by a bird. No, really. A bird apparently dropped some bread onto a piece of equipment on the exterior of the ridiculously large science experiment, causing it to shut down. So, should we feel better or panic that some wayward wheat toast can make this thing shut down so easily? I'm still on the fence about it. Now if it were a coconut that fell on it, I would definitely be concerned, because everyone knows that European Swallows aren't migratory.

Getting to the bottom of the 2012 nonsense

2009-11-03T16:03:00.000-08:00

I have been avoiding writing about this topic, simply because of the egregious amount of bat-guano crazy it brings out. The good news is, one of the most trusted news sources on the tubes, Cracked Magazine, has put together what I consider to be the ultimate treatise on the subject and the REAL reasons we should be freaked out about 2012. It can be summed up in two words: Space Bear. I highly encourage you to read it, learn it, love it, retweet it, buy it flowers, take it out for a nice night on the town, and then, tell any lunatics you know they should read it too. And frankly, the only person whom I would believe the end of the world is coming is this guy.

GIANT BIRDS STALKING NEWS READERS!

2009-10-22T11:19:00.000-07:00

Australia has giant spiders and giant sharks, but nothing comes close to the giant seagulls!

I've always wanted a hurricane named after me

2009-10-17T23:11:00.000-07:00

Well actually, I still think storms should be named after women (call me old-school that way), but, since this is the first major hurricane named after me, I'll take it, especially since its an ass-kicking Category 5!

(AP Photo/NOAA)

Fortunately, this bad boy will likely decrease in strength to a Category 2 before it makes landfall, which is good. Growing up in a hurricane zone, I used to track these things with my dad, back before the internet made early warning a breeze. Here's hoping any one in my, err, its path is prepping for it.

Coming Soon to a Wannabe Vampire Near You...

2009-10-12T14:52:00.000-07:00

I saw this sign at a Hot Topic on Saturday and will just let it speak for itself.

No. You do not want to look like Edward Cullen. Period. Just stop. Seriously. K thx!

C'thulhu's boogers are taking over the oceans! Everybody panic!

2009-10-09T16:06:00.000-07:00

There really isn't much you can say about this except: barf, retch, gross, puke, hurl, I'm never going in the ocean again or "Oh look mommy! It's a great massive snot reef!"

Please take a moment and cast your eyes on what is a naturally occurring and utterly disgusting phenomenon that is apparently getting worse.

And if you think I'm over reacting, these things are now known to carry E. Coli! And while Ocean Born Mucilage might be a great name for a song by Cannibal Corpse, I wouldn't want to swim in it!

These things get to be over 100 miles long. A one hundred mile long loogie!?! That is just RONG! I don't care if these things occur naturally (and have been since the early 1700's at least), they are utterly and completely nasty! Quick, someone dump a megaton of Guaifenesin into the ocean, stat!

Robotic Bees!?! Worst, idea, EVER!

2009-10-08T11:47:00.000-07:00

I can't say this any clearer other than DO NOT WANT! I hate bees. Period. And not even cute, animated bees either. Anything that flies and stings you is not my friend. So when I read this opening line of a news item this morning imagine how I felt:

"Harvard researchers recently got a $10 million grant to create a colony of flying robotic bees." Ok, did no one ever watch bad nature-run-amok movies in the 70's where bees killed everyone? So, combine that with a SkyNet scenario and you have, yep, you guessed it; an awesome idea for a movie!

Really though, I am just saying most of this in jest, and yes I did read to the end of the article where they say the bees won't have stingers, but still, when you read that scientists "will create robotic bees that fly autonomously and coordinate activities amongst themselves and the hive, much like real bees" doesn't that just sound like the opposite of a good idea? The operative word there being "autonomously". So, we are just going to create robotic buzzy bumbles and let them do their thing? Cool. I for one do not welcome our future buzzing robotic overlords, even though the science on these looks pretty amazing.

*Disclaimer: This blog is meant as a bit of fun. If you didn't take it as such, please go have your Sense of Humor adjusted. The author is not some looney who thinks all robots are out to destroy us. He is however deathly afraid of bees and would gladly take off and nuke the hive from orbit, just to be sure. Props to @Murphix for giving me the beebee jeebees by sending me the original article.

Why is today's Google Doodle freaking me out?

2009-10-07T11:03:00.000-07:00

True story. I logged on to Google this morning and felt a very oddly disquieting feeling when I did (yes, I am sure you have a joke to insert here) but I didn't really think much of it. Then I went back to Google a little later and had it again. Ok, now this is really strange. Then I saw this tweet from @deadprogram, which explained it perfectly:

"For some reason, the Google barcode logo frightens me. Maybe it was the barcode tattoos from Terminator?"

And that's it! Today's newest Google Doodle is just a barcode but its simplicity over the sparse negative space of the all-white background was off putting. (shudder) Guess I will have to go and Ask Jeeves today. ; )

(Thanks to Ron @deadprogram Evans for the inspiration!)

Supermassive Black Holes May Destroy the Universe - Dr. Reinhardt Unavailable for Comment

2009-10-05T12:32:00.000-07:00

Well the headline pretty much sums it up. Some Smart Guys crunched some really freaking large numbers to calculate "total entropy of everything in the universe" and say supermassive black holes (those things that look cool in Disney movies, but can't be actually seen) are the main factors for so much entropy in the universe. And here I thought it was all Autontune's fault.

So the smart guys say there are 10¹⁰⁴units of entropy out there in the great void. Sweet. Now can we like bottle it as a heat source? You think I'm kidding, because these scientists say if the universe ever hits maximum levels of entropy it means heat death for everything. In the word's of Neil the Hippy, "Wow! Heavy!".

And apparently its these supermassive black holes (also a good song by Muse) that are to blame. Because when they eventually burn out, they will release lots of entropy that can lead to the previously mentioned heat death. Are you still with me? Ok, so should we panic? Nah. Because it takes 10¹⁰² years for one of these gravity monsters to burn out. How long is that? Well I think its around the time we will actually get to play Duke Nukem Forever. The bigger issue is: If these people can figure this stuff out, where the hell is my flying car and jetpack!?!

Zombies and Health Care Protestors on Hollywood Blvd

2009-10-01T11:17:00.000-07:00

True story. So last night, as I am driving down Hollywood Blvd., I saw not one, but two curious sights. First was the Zombie Walk celebrating the release of "Zombieland". Cool. Hundreds of people in zombie make up lumbering down the street. Then, on the opposite side of Hollywood, was a health care protest. A rather smaller group of people who just don't get it, but still, enough to fill the corner of Hollywood and Highland. Then it gets weird.

A rather old looking hippie type was on the side of the street where the zombies were, instead of with his cohorts. Well, one rather enterprising zombie decided to take this protester's sign and tear it up. Well, I mean, he was obviously a victim of health care right? Being a zombie and all. Well, Mr. Hippie didn't care for this and started to get all up in the decaying grill of the zombie. That is when a group of zombies began surrounding the hippie. Well, he made a hasty retreat away from the undead to say the least.

This inspired me. I rolled down my window, and when the light turned green and I drove past the protesters, I screamed as loud as I could at them: "Don't worry about health care! Worry about the zombies!". I laughed. Very hard. :)

Hypersonic Screaming Teenage Girls: The Second Wave of Twilight Multimedia Mass Hysteria is Upon Us

2009-09-24T13:09:00.000-07:00

OMGOMGOMG Twilight! Robert!/Edward! Bite me please Edward! swoon!

Remember those kinds of psychotic reactions of fan-girls and their moms around the country last year when the hype-machine for "Twilight" kicked into overdrive? Well, buy some 35db earplugs and stay away from any mall with a Hot Topic, because the "Eclipse" movie is imminent and with it comes the Scene It? Twilight Edition game for the Nintendo Wii.

(Pause) Can you just imagine what a Scene It? Twilight game night would look like? I will do my best to describe it:

The scene: Any suburban house where an Edward-obsessed teen girl and her equally Edward-obsessed mom are having a night of fun with some friends while playing this game. The first shot of Sparkle Boy comes on screen (insert a chorus of screams that border on the range of which only dogs can hear in) and a fight breaks out over who buzzed in first. Hair is pulled. A Wiimote gets thrown. A lovely plasma TV has said-Wiimote buried in its display (Oh the humanity!) and the evening ends in a cat-fight the likes of which could never be filmed, even in a Russ Meyer movie, with both sides screaming "Team Edward!" "No! Team Jacob!". (Fade to black)

So, if you are a sibling/offspring of/in a relationship with a Twilight fanatic, be ready to endure more of this for the next few months. Of course you could always head over to the full on awesome of the Jinx website and buy this:

(And no, I got zero kick back from Jinx for this plug and yes, I bought one of these!)

Nooooo, my Precioussss... Gollum Found Dead on Beach!

2009-09-18T09:33:00.000-07:00

Frodo Baggins and Sam Gamgee unavailable for comment

OMG! What is that, thing!?! I tell you what it looks like, is everyone's favorite corrupt Hobbit, Smeagol, better known as Gollum! Whatever it is, it allegedly came out of a cave on a beach in Panama and freaked the hell out of a group of teenagers who saw it. The "news" report says the kids threw rocks at the thing and tossed the body in the ocean. It wasn't until adults came back and found the bizarre corpse washed up on the shore that we get these pictures. Now, to be fair, let's consider the source, and the fact that for some reason, every time some creature that everyone freaks out about washes up on a beach somewhere, the corpse somehow vanishes. The original article doesn't say what happened to this one, but in my opinion, if you have a ring of power lying about anywhere, keep it secret, keep it safe.

PAX Swine Flu Outbreak Update: 100 confirmed cases of Hamthrax

2009-09-10T14:30:00.000-07:00

Um, well, ok, this is, how would you say? Zomgwtfbbq! Everybody panic! Run to the hills! Get a surgical mask! So the people at PAX have come out and said there are 100 confirmed cases of swine flu amongst its attendees. As someone who has contracted what was heretofore only colloquially known as "Nerd Flu" (now lovingly being glossed with the epithet "H1Nerd1" virus) I can honestly say that being in close quarters with thousands of people at a convention, makes it exceedingly easy to catch something airborne.

That said, it will be interesting to see where this goes and how many people will end up getting sick or distributing the piggy sniffles to others. Granted Swine Flu could be much worse than it has been so far, it is still nothing to sneeze at (hey-oh!). I will say that I believe the fashion trend for the rapidly approaching Tokyo Game Show is going trend into the area of geek-tastic and fashionable surgical masks, something which could even spill over into next year's E3. So, unless the minority of convention goer's who insist on going when they are ill don't change their mouth-breathing tendencies, your booth babes may start looking like this.

Hey wait, not too shabby actually!

Man, I give this whole thing a sphincter-factor of about 9.5!

2009-09-09T16:39:00.000-07:00

Hurricane Fred spins up in the Atlantic!

Ok people, this is very serious! Hurricane Fred is out in the middle of the Atlantic, and you know what that means. No, it doesn't mean make fried pineapple rings (though that sounds really good). It means aliens who use water-based technology are about to surface and/or send mile high waves to destroy us. Oh come on! Haven't you ever seen "The Abyss"!?! According to the brilliant and very underrated performance by Jimmie Ray Weeks as Leland McBride: "Well it's official sportsfans. They're calling it Hurricane Frederick and its going to be making our lives real interesting in a few hours." And wouldn't you know it, just a few pages of script and film reels later and what do you know, there's waves that no self-respecting practioner of the endless summer would ever dream of riding. So, if you know anyone on an oil platform in the Atlantic, ask them to tweet you if they see any Russian Water Tentacles. Kthx!

Hamthrax @ Pax! - Gabe & Tycho unavailable for comment

2009-09-08T13:33:00.000-07:00

Everybody who went to PAX panic! Ok, maybe that's too alarmist. How about, my friend went to PAX and all I got was lousy swine flu? Seriously though, it has been confirmed by doctors that there was someone at PAX who had swine flu. There are lots of jokes made about video game conventions giving attendees what is colloquially termed as "Nerd Flu" but this isn't funny. Swine flu is nothing to laugh about, so if you were there or have been in contact with someone who has, and you don't feel well, you might want to call your doc and let them know.

DO NOT WANT!

2009-08-27T17:33:00.001-07:00

If the end of the world, whether by robots, zombies, meteors or cute and fuzzy bunnies happened tomorrow, I would NOT eat this!

I for one welcome our future ursine robotic overlords

2009-08-27T13:43:00.000-07:00

Aw, isn't it cute? A robot bear, designed to help nurses lift patients in hospitals. Now the panicky out there will say, oh great, more soldiers for the future robot uprising. I think perhaps these cuddly bearbots will be the ones to carry us to our battery pods and plug us into a power plant. Either that or there are fierce mandibles beneath that cute exterior. Let's just hope their creators have programmed them with at least #1 of Asimov's Laws of Robotics!

"Icicle Deaths Eliminated By New Ice Melting Technology Gutter Guard"

2009-08-25T12:10:00.000-07:00

Please note the first two words of the above headline from a new press release out today: Icicle deaths. Now I am not trying to make light of what is obviously a very real danger where there is snow, but having never lived in such climes, I had never really given much thought about it, till now. And frankly, hearing about it and seeing pictures like this made me think: icicles should be wiped out! Well fortunately, the good people at Gutter Glove can do just that, with their new ice-melting gutter guards! Whew, that was close. No need to panic. At least till it snows. And now I am going to go out and be a Svengali for a new death metal band I'm forming called Icicle Death. I think they could very easily open for Slayer and Megadeth. Just sayin'. (Thanks to John of You Are Hated for the inspiration!)

Carnivorous Plants Capable of Eating Rats

2009-08-13T18:18:00.001-07:00

Yes, you read that right. Giant, freaking, carnivorous plants, large enough that they are able to trap and consume rats. Rats. Ok, last time I checked, rats are bigger than most people's hands, so really, what the scientists who found this new breed of pitcher plant in a little jungle of horrors in the Philippines should really be saying is: "hey, maybe you shouldn't stick your hand in there." Ok, at this point, I think I would rather be on the losing side of a robot uprising than the possibility of a killer plant uprising. Thank you to reader Moxie for the lead on this particular panic inducing story!

"We Are 10 Years Away From a Functional Artifical Human Brain"

2009-08-11T15:35:00.000-07:00

Oh yes, this will go over well. An artificial human brain? Um, helloooo? Did any of the smart people out there who think this stuff up ever watch Terminator? Blade Runner? I, Robot? Or hell, Saturn III? (That right there folks is the first mention of Saturn III in 2009). I mean, yes I get the altruistic aspects of this idea, but seriously people, creating robotic intelligence is one thing, but messing with our own organic hard drives to make something artificial out of them? Did none of you watch Deep Blue Sea?? I for one would prefer to achieve immortality the old fashion way: by using a Sorcerer's Stone! ; )
Inspiration for this post goes to this guy, whose blog you should also be reading.

Twitter is Down! Again! Go to Defcon 1!

2009-08-11T12:17:00.000-07:00

NOOOOOOOO!!! Screamed the Twitter-pated Twitterverse. It was as if millions of voices tweeted out in terror, and were suddenly silenced. Even the Fail Whale has failed! Great Caeser's Ghost! What does this mean?? Um, well, let's see. No updating on what lunch trucks we are eating from. No shooting off 140-characters-or-less missives about cats sleeping on our keyboards. Whatever shall we do??

UPDATED!

It's back up. Whew. That was a close one.

When worlds collide!

2009-08-10T16:20:00.000-07:00

EVERYBODY IN THE PAVO CONSTELLATION SYSTEM PANIC!

In the words of Leeloo, "Boom! Big badda boom!" Smart people with telescopes have found that one planet got too close to another in the recent stellar past. Well, no, lets be accurate. One planet smacked the holy living heck out of another in a planetary collision that not even Michael Bay could possibly commit to film. Those same scientists say this is similar to how our Moon formed, when something the size of Mars smacked little baby Earth upside its newly formed noggin. My favorite quote from the article above is the description of the collision: "a huge fiery blast, over in the blink of an eye and full of fury," which reads like a Twitter-review of a rock concert.

The Large Hadron Collider Turns on in November

2009-08-07T10:16:00.001-07:00

Sweet! They are going to turn this thing on in a couple months. Get your "sucked into a man-made black hole" insurance policy ready. Blah blah blah, yes, yes, they say its safe, but don't we have better things to drop the kind of coin that has been spent on what is essentially a giant metal doughnut buried under Europe? Personally I think training ninja kittens to repel the zombie and robot uprisings that are coming soon is one way. But that's just me. I am going to laugh if the thing blows another fuse.

TWITTER IS DOWN! EVERYBODY PANIC!

2009-08-06T09:09:00.000-07:00

RED ALERT! PUT THE KETTLE ON!

ZOMG! It's the end of the world as we know it and I can't tweet! Twitter has been down since 6am Pacific time this morning. Good grief! What are we to do! How will we tweet about lunch plans? Or Michael Jackson? Or even, #irememberthefirsttimeidrankbeeratanamusementparkwithablindfold hashtags? It sounds like it is a denial of service attack. Nice. Why don't the people who do this grow up, move out of their parents' basements and kiss a girl. Just sayin'.

UPDATED

Looks like Twitter is back up or at least is running better. Stand down, no need to panic.

Russian Subs off the Coast - Sean Connery Unavailable for Comment

2009-08-05T15:51:00.001-07:00

Ok, not sure how panicky I feel about this one, but it appears that we've got Crazy Ivans off the East Coast. At least two Russian subs were tracked to withing 200 miles of the coast. Not the really bad ones with things that go boom in large fireballs mind you, but still, they have things that could sink ships. This is both kind of scary and kind of cool, in a Jack Ryan sort of way. I would like to think they are just cooling their heels out there, listening to our rock & roll before sailing to Havana. One thing is for sure, the Cold War gave us much better movie villains.

Science Resurrects Prehistoric Spiders

2009-08-05T10:19:00.000-07:00

That intentionally "whip you into a needless frenzy" headline is on purpose. Because in truth, the smart people who do things like this have only done so by way of 3D X-Ray technology. Which, looking at these evil looking monsters, is already crossing the line. These things are gone for a reason (and thank goodness too).
The article about these 8-legged nightmares doesn't say how big they got, but putting the words pre-historic and spider together conjures images I would much rather not think about. Fortunately, no one is trying to clone one of these. Yet.

Robot Attacks Man - This is how Skynet starts you know...

2009-07-30T16:47:00.000-07:00

True story: In Sweden, a robot designed to lift heavy rocks attacked and nearly killed a person trying to do maintenance on the bot. Long story short, it was supposed to be powered down, it wasn't, and it attacked the person, nearly killing them. Wall-E was unavailable to comment. While I for one do not necessarily mind have robotic overlords, I would prefer if they reached sentience BEFORE they start trying to pull off our heads!

(not actual robot in question)

If you are in San Diego right now... Stay away from the New Moon Panel line!

2009-07-22T16:11:00.000-07:00

That piece of advice is because we here at The Society for Protecting People from Crazy Fan Girls have just learned that there is already a line around the building at the San Diego Comic Con for the massive "Twilight/New Moon" panel taking place tomorrow. The line actually started last night. No, we aren't making this up.Now if you are heading into the swirling maelstrom that is the San Diego Comic-Con, just remember, if you have never seen a girl in real life, are afraid of Twi-Hards or have a condition which gives you sparkly skin and a propensity for sucking blood, this is really happening, right now, and you are advised to stay away from the Convention Center at all costs. I recommend going here.

UPDATED!

Here, we have photographic proof that there is an unprecedented wave of humanity sitting in line for an event that happens tomorrow in San Diego. Be afraid! Be very afraid!

Everybody on Jupiter Panic!

2009-07-21T16:19:00.000-07:00

See that white spot on our largest neighboring planet? Something hit it. Something big enough to leave a scar in the atmosphere of the Jovian planet the size of Earth! The HAL9000 was unavailable for comment at press time. What is awesome about this is an amateur stargazer in Australia was the one who spotted the results of the impact. Ahem, can I just say right here that perhaps we need more telescopes looking for things that go boom when they hit planets? Just sayin'.

Scorpions On a Plane. Klaus Meine and Rudolf Schenker Unavailable for Comment

2009-07-20T14:47:00.000-07:00

I will not use a cliched epithet uttered by one of our generation's greatest acting talents (Samuel L. Jackson) to describe this story. Nope, you can't make me. It's safe to say though Douglas Herbstsommer of Gilbert, AZ will be more careful packing his carry on baggage in the future, after being stung by a scorpion which had hitched a ride in his bag. Seems the mama scorpion gave birth to a brood of five more little stingers mid-flight to Indianapolis. Southwest Airlines did the sensible thing and fumigated the plane after it landed, it was the only way to be sure. The arthropod involved in this panic was a venomous Arizona Bark Scorpion. German metal band The Scorpions were not involved as they are currently on tour in Europe.

Rogue Black Holes - Not Just a Good Name for a New Spinal Tap Album

2009-07-20T10:17:00.000-07:00

Scientists say hundreds (HUNDREDS!) of massive rogue black holes are hanging out at the edge of our Milky Way galaxy. Well isn't that just spiffy.

But these same really smart people also say: "The Earth appears safe, however, with the closest rogue black hole thousands of light-years away."

Oh yes, I feel so much better now. So long as I get a cool floating robot to go with me when I'm spaghettified.

The North Carolina Sewer Creature

2009-07-19T11:57:00.000-07:00

Here is your second stand down, no need to panic story in two days. The previously unknown lifeform found in a small sewer pipe in North Carolina has turned out to be colonies of tubifex worms. Still, watching this video is reason enough to instill a modicum of panic amongst people.

Here's your Sunday morning science lesson: These things not only can survive in oxygen depleted, rank and disgusting places (like sewer pipes) but they are delicacies for aquarium fish, as seen above, looking for all the world like annelid bullion cubes.

The Alaskan Blob

2009-07-18T12:40:00.000-07:00

Well it seems the inspiration for starting the Everybody Panic! blog has been solved before I even post my first post. It looks like that 15 mile long "biological slick" off Alaska that no scientist has ever seen before (which, doesn't that just make you feel so much better?), is some sort of ocean going algae bloom. Algae? Really? That's all? It's not Gozer the Gozarian assuming a new form of The Destructor or some massive Cthulhu spawn? Ok, unless this turns out to be something more sinister, everbody stand down, there's no need to panic.